December 6, 2013

PCOS to Pregnancy: An Unexpected Miracle

I've been blogging about our journey to conceive a second child since February. We've been hoping to get pregnant for a year and half. Every month that it hasn't happened, there have been tears. So many tears. Infertility is a roller coaster. A new cycle starts and I'm hopeful and excited...this is the month! I ride on that high for a few weeks and then...bam!...just like that my period comes or I get a negative on a test. It's days of depression. Tears. Sadness. Self-pity. It's not fun. I feel terrible for my husband.

We were supposed to take a break last month. Our savings is gone and we need a break to get financially stable for more treatments. We weren't supposed to do fertility treatments this cycle, but five minutes in my doctor's office changed everything. There was a treatment plan still available that would be covered by insurance. We didn't think it would be too expensive out of pocket, especially since my deductible was met. In the end, this cycle with all of it's medications and ultrasounds ending up being more expensive than we anticipated, but we had already jumped in.

We agreed from the start of this past cycle that even though there was still one more month left in the year, this would be it. If we didn't get a baby this month, we agreed to take a break. Christmas, the death of my husband's car, and our empty savings account left us with no choice. No more fertility treatments for now after this cycle.

Despite the finality of this decision, I went into this cycle incredibly hopeful. I was happy every day, analyzing every possible symptom that could mean good news. It helps when the doctor and nurses are so hopeful and encouraging as well. They had me convinced this month was going to work. After a week of injections, everything looked beautiful and perfect! All we had to do was pray that a little baby would form. There was no visible obstacle.

During my two week wait, there were many symptoms. Unfortunately, symptoms can be misleading. Pregnancy and premenstrual symptoms are very similar. I held unto hope and prayed. Daily I prayed. We prayed as a family. We hoped so much that this would be our month for good news. My prayers centered around "please let us have another baby" but also on "give me strength if this isn't your plan." When last month didn't work out, I cried for days. It was terrible. I was so heartbroken. I didn't want to be there again. I wanted so much to trust.

As badly as I was dying to take a pregnancy test during my two week wait, I stayed far away from them. I refused to buy them. The temptation is too great if we have them in our home. My plan was to wait for my period to start (or not). We packed our bags for a Thanksgiving road trip and I brought my Lunette cup just in case.

Thanksgiving morning arrived and the cramps started. It was a day or two earlier than I expected for a period, so I wasn't super worried. When I got pregnant with my son, I had period-like cramps. I was waiting for a period and I turned out to be pregnant. So Thanksgiving morning, I was still hopeful. about an hour after the cramps started, so did my period.

I titled this blog post "An Unexpected Miracle". You may have clicked the link thinking it was a pregnancy announcement. I'm sad to report that unfortunately, it's not. The miracle is this....

I got my period on Thanksgiving morning and I didn't cry. I barely even thought about it. I went about my day like nothing had happened. At first I thought it was just the chaos of being with family, but that night, alone with my husband...nothing. No tears. I was okay.

The next couple of days, again...nothing. My family would ask if I was okay and I actually had to remind myself why they were asking. It's been a week and still no tears. No depression. I wanted it to work. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to give my son a sibling. But I also wanted to be okay if it didn't work out. I didn't want to be devastated and depressed. I wanted to trust. I know I only have so much control over my life. Another child may not be in the grand plan. Another child right now is obviously not the plan. I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I know that I have a beautiful family. I have a sweet little boy and a husband that would do anything to give me another child.

I know this is a long post. If you're still with me, thank you. Thank you for reading this post and all the others throughout the year. I promise that when we start back up on our journey with fertility treatments to update you. I promise that if I get pregnant by some miracle, I will come here and share it with you all! In the meantime, I'm closing out this series. This will be the last post. You can still find me writing about cloth diapers, children, and toddlers on this blog and my own blog, Cloth Diaper Revival.

This journey didn't end how I had hoped or wanted it to, but I'm at peace and incredibly grateful for that!

I'm Jenny, the mama behind the blog Cloth Diaper Revival.   I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad.  I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.

10 comments:

I cried as I read this, because I sorta get it. We've never done any fertility treatments (no money to do so right now) but we've been TTC for 3.5 years. After 2 years of trying, we decided to pursue foster care and specifically, fostering to adopt. It took us about a year start to finish to get licensed. A couple days after getting licensed, the calls came. We had to deny one, accept an overnight emergency, and a week after we were licensed, had an 11.5 month old placed with us. He is still with us and a couple of nights ago, his 2 year old sister joined us from her former foster home who couldn't keep her anymore! We had been praying for her to come live with us because if this case moves towards adoption (which is something we won't know for a long time) we want to adopt them both! Our prayer from the very beginning is God's will for our lives and for the kids that enter our home. Both kids are already attached to us, so there will be a lot of heartache involved if they go back to their bio-mom. HOWEVER, I know God has a plan...even if we don't understand it. God is faithful. God is just. He knows the desire of our hearts. It sounds cliche, but I truly and honestly believe it.

Good luck in the future!
Angela

Thank you for sharing Angela! I completely agree! You are a strong woman! One of my biggest fears about foster care is getting attached and then getting your heartbroken. I know that what you give those kids will be more important than a broken heart while they are with you and that is awesome! Prayers that you get to keep them both!

I feel for you. We spent 5 yrs ttc our second. With no money for advanced fertility treatments our options were limited. It took me excepting that we might never have that second child to allow us to move on. We accepted our hand in life and shortly after I concieved our baby girl naturally. she is almost 11 months and we got another huge surprise. We are expecting baby 3 and 4 this summer. Sometimes the timeing isnt in gods plan. Good luck

I was totally expecting an announcement, and as I continued to read and see where you were going with this, I'm totally crying. I get it, I've been there. This month marks our 3 year journey through secondary infertility. Early this year (after an ectopic and surgery) I let go of my bitterness, of my jealousy, and just decided to start LIVING (after months and months of praying for God to take those feelings from me). I have my 5 year old son and husband, whom I'm incredibly lucky to have already. If it happens in the future, great. If not, I'm coming to accept that too. Some days and weeks are still hard, like when my step-sister and sister-in-law have bother announced their second pregnancies over the past two weeks. BUT, I'm GOING to be okay. I'm not going to feel stuck anymore. My son deserves a happy mama, so I choose to by happy. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey, I really needed to read this today.

I couldn't help crying. 4 miscarriages, 5 kids with us. This baby's name is Faith because it was a battle in the first trimester. Prayers for you.

I sit here in tears for you. Through your words I could feel how much your family family has wanted this and see how hard you all have tried. Your story has given me insight to a similar situation my dearest friend is going through, though we don't often talk about or bring it up because it's very hard on her. I have shared your series with her, so that she could talk to someone who understood what she was going through when she was ready. God works in mysterious ways and I am glad he granted you the grace to accept whatever was to happen. My prayers are with you for the future. ~Lauren

You already know that you were on my heart this week and I feel but your willingness to share your walk, your faith and your pain is something to be honored. Thank you for being so transparent, for making infertility and heartbreak something to talk about. I pray for His continued peace in your days ahead. May you be doubly blessed for your obedience and faith.

Congratulations on finding peace of mind. That is one of the greatest gifts you can receive on this journey. *virtual hugs if you want them*

Praying that God continues to give you peace, and that you'll be able to grow your family in the future by whatever method God chooses.