We were supposed to take a break last month. Our savings is gone and we need a break to get financially stable for more treatments. We weren't supposed to do fertility treatments this cycle, but five minutes in my doctor's office changed everything. There was a treatment plan still available that would be covered by insurance. We didn't think it would be too expensive out of pocket, especially since my deductible was met. In the end, this cycle with all of it's medications and ultrasounds ending up being more expensive than we anticipated, but we had already jumped in.
We agreed from the start of this past cycle that even though there was still one more month left in the year, this would be it. If we didn't get a baby this month, we agreed to take a break. Christmas, the death of my husband's car, and our empty savings account left us with no choice. No more fertility treatments for now after this cycle.
Despite the finality of this decision, I went into this cycle incredibly hopeful. I was happy every day, analyzing every possible symptom that could mean good news. It helps when the doctor and nurses are so hopeful and encouraging as well. They had me convinced this month was going to work. After a week of injections, everything looked beautiful and perfect! All we had to do was pray that a little baby would form. There was no visible obstacle.
During my two week wait, there were many symptoms. Unfortunately, symptoms can be misleading. Pregnancy and premenstrual symptoms are very similar. I held unto hope and prayed. Daily I prayed. We prayed as a family. We hoped so much that this would be our month for good news. My prayers centered around "please let us have another baby" but also on "give me strength if this isn't your plan." When last month didn't work out, I cried for days. It was terrible. I was so heartbroken. I didn't want to be there again. I wanted so much to trust.
As badly as I was dying to take a pregnancy test during my two week wait, I stayed far away from them. I refused to buy them. The temptation is too great if we have them in our home. My plan was to wait for my period to start (or not). We packed our bags for a Thanksgiving road trip and I brought my Lunette cup just in case.
Thanksgiving morning arrived and the cramps started. It was a day or two earlier than I expected for a period, so I wasn't super worried. When I got pregnant with my son, I had period-like cramps. I was waiting for a period and I turned out to be pregnant. So Thanksgiving morning, I was still hopeful. about an hour after the cramps started, so did my period.
I titled this blog post "An Unexpected Miracle". You may have clicked the link thinking it was a pregnancy announcement. I'm sad to report that unfortunately, it's not. The miracle is this....
I got my period on Thanksgiving morning and I didn't cry. I barely even thought about it. I went about my day like nothing had happened. At first I thought it was just the chaos of being with family, but that night, alone with my husband...nothing. No tears. I was okay.
The next couple of days, again...nothing. My family would ask if I was okay and I actually had to remind myself why they were asking. It's been a week and still no tears. No depression. I wanted it to work. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to give my son a sibling. But I also wanted to be okay if it didn't work out. I didn't want to be devastated and depressed. I wanted to trust. I know I only have so much control over my life. Another child may not be in the grand plan. Another child right now is obviously not the plan. I don't know what the future holds, but for now, I know that I have a beautiful family. I have a sweet little boy and a husband that would do anything to give me another child.
I know this is a long post. If you're still with me, thank you. Thank you for reading this post and all the others throughout the year. I promise that when we start back up on our journey with fertility treatments to update you. I promise that if I get pregnant by some miracle, I will come here and share it with you all! In the meantime, I'm closing out this series. This will be the last post. You can still find me writing about cloth diapers, children, and toddlers on this blog and my own blog, Cloth Diaper Revival.
This journey didn't end how I had hoped or wanted it to, but I'm at peace and incredibly grateful for that!
Cloth Diaper Revival. I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad. I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.