October 18, 2013

PCOS to Pregnancy: Heartbroken.

I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel alone. These are all things I've said to myself this week. My latest fertility cycle failed. Honestly, I was expecting it to. I had given up hope a while ago. I wanted so badly for it to work out and it didn't. I warned my husband last week that if things didn't work out this time he needed to expect me to be crushed. So Monday, when my period came so did the tears. And they pretty much haven't stopped. I'm devastated.

There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now, but mostly I feel hurt, confused, and tired.

I gambled and I lost. There was never a guarantee that the fertility treatments would work. We poured our money, time and emotions into them, hoping for the best, and it didn't work out the way we wanted. We could go further, but I just don't think I do anymore. Not right now.

I'm so tired of the infertility roller coaster. I'm tired of hoping each month that I will finally see a positive result. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed. It feels like a boyfriend that treats you badly. He keeps making promises and breaking them. Every time you tell yourself it will be different and it never is. One day you'll have had enough and you have to walk away. This is exactly where I am right now.

I can't do anymore treatments. Not emotionally. There are other options. We haven't even tried things like IUI and IVF, but right now is just not the time. Forget the expenses involved. My heart and my head just can't do it. We could still travel down the road of adoption, but even that makes me cry. The thought of never being pregnant again breaks my heart. I don't want it to be over. I want to give my little boy a sibling. Someone to play with and grow with. Even someone to fight with!

I feel stuck. I don't want to stop growing our family where it is, but I just can't do anymore. Not know. I think I need to cry some more. I need to step back and step away from the treatments. I need clarity.

I'm so utterly confused. Babies are a blessing. Babies are good. So why don't I get to blessed with another? Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just be like all those women who want more children and have them? These are questions I may not ever get the answers to. I want so badly to trust God on this, but ultimately, right now, I'm so heartbroken I just can't understand.

My family is so supportive and yet I feel so alone. No one quite understands what I'm going through. My husband has a full time job to distract him during the day. He would love another child, but isn't heartbroken that it may not happen. He's sad for me, but he doesn't quite get it. He doesn't feel this complete loss that I feel.

We have an appointment next week with the doctor. I'm sure we'll hear "next steps" but I don't think we'll do any of them. Not right now. It will be good to know what they do suggest. Maybe when I'm ready we can venture down those paths, but for now, today, I can't do it.

Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for giving me an outlet to pour out my heart. I honestly don't know what will come of this series. When I started it earlier this year I actually worried that I would get pregnant very soon and it would be a short lived journey. Boy was a I wrong. We've been trying to conceive a second child for 15 months now and nothing. Even with medical intervention it's not working.

I'll be back next week with an update from our doctor's appointment. Hopefully I won't be so negative and pessimistic then as well.

I'm Jenny, the mama behind the blog Cloth Diaper Revival.   I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad.  I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.

9 comments:

I'm so very sorry to hear this Jenny. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

Jenny, I'm so sorry and am crying with you right now. {{{HUGS}}}

Lots of hugs. This is the first I've read of your site, but know you're not alone. Everybody's journey is different & I can't know exactly what you're going through but you're not alone! I went through 6 years of the roller coaster before I gave up & stopped. Some times you just need to take a break to get your thoughts together and give yourself a break.

Wishing you good luck & sending hugs.

Oh Jenny, I'm so sorry. Although I knew this was your latest result, I can feel your heartbreak with each word you've written here. I don't know the right words to say, but just know you are loved.

I hope you know that you are doing a wonderful thing by sharing your experience with others, even when it's been different results than you have hoped.

I wish you good luck and for your heart to heal. Hugs and tears right along with you. Who knows what your next appointment may hold.

I am so sorry you're sad love. I"m praying things change. We had 6 years of trying and adopted before my body decided it was my time. I was blessed with 2, back to back. I was told many times my daughter I was lucky to have and she would be the only one. As hard as it is right now. People don't have any say. God has a plan. Big hugs coming your way.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. :-( You're not alone. Really. BT,DT. We were starting to look into IUI when we conceived Eudora, just because we could not handle the crazy making of the fertility meds.

When you're ready to consider other options, you'll consider them. Sometimes your heart just needs some time to heal. *hugs if you want them*

I'm sorry. Just know how you are feeling is normal and natural and yes it is all crap and unfair--which is why your feelings are normal.

Oh, Jenny, you are not alone. Without my fabulous RE, I would not have either of my girls. It took us 8 years of heartbreak to conceive our first. Take all the breaks you need. You ARE stronger than PCOS.

I'm sorry. *HUGS* I had a friend that struggled too, and she was heartbroken. She kept conceiving, but kept losing her babies :( I'm sorry for all the trouble you're going through, and I hope that things work themselves out soon.