There are so many emotions I'm feeling right now, but mostly I feel hurt, confused, and tired.
I gambled and I lost. There was never a guarantee that the fertility treatments would work. We poured our money, time and emotions into them, hoping for the best, and it didn't work out the way we wanted. We could go further, but I just don't think I do anymore. Not right now.
I'm so tired of the infertility roller coaster. I'm tired of hoping each month that I will finally see a positive result. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed. It feels like a boyfriend that treats you badly. He keeps making promises and breaking them. Every time you tell yourself it will be different and it never is. One day you'll have had enough and you have to walk away. This is exactly where I am right now.
I can't do anymore treatments. Not emotionally. There are other options. We haven't even tried things like IUI and IVF, but right now is just not the time. Forget the expenses involved. My heart and my head just can't do it. We could still travel down the road of adoption, but even that makes me cry. The thought of never being pregnant again breaks my heart. I don't want it to be over. I want to give my little boy a sibling. Someone to play with and grow with. Even someone to fight with!
I feel stuck. I don't want to stop growing our family where it is, but I just can't do anymore. Not know. I think I need to cry some more. I need to step back and step away from the treatments. I need clarity.
I'm so utterly confused. Babies are a blessing. Babies are good. So why don't I get to blessed with another? Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just be like all those women who want more children and have them? These are questions I may not ever get the answers to. I want so badly to trust God on this, but ultimately, right now, I'm so heartbroken I just can't understand.
My family is so supportive and yet I feel so alone. No one quite understands what I'm going through. My husband has a full time job to distract him during the day. He would love another child, but isn't heartbroken that it may not happen. He's sad for me, but he doesn't quite get it. He doesn't feel this complete loss that I feel.
We have an appointment next week with the doctor. I'm sure we'll hear "next steps" but I don't think we'll do any of them. Not right now. It will be good to know what they do suggest. Maybe when I'm ready we can venture down those paths, but for now, today, I can't do it.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for giving me an outlet to pour out my heart. I honestly don't know what will come of this series. When I started it earlier this year I actually worried that I would get pregnant very soon and it would be a short lived journey. Boy was a I wrong. We've been trying to conceive a second child for 15 months now and nothing. Even with medical intervention it's not working.
I'll be back next week with an update from our doctor's appointment. Hopefully I won't be so negative and pessimistic then as well.
I'm Jenny, the mama behind the blog Cloth Diaper Revival. I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad. I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.