September 13, 2013

PCOS to Pregnancy: At peace with what the future holds

I have no idea what's going to happen over the next week. There are 3 outcomes...

1. I'm pregnant
2. I start a period
3. Neither 1 or 2 happens and we're back to where we were in the beginning.

If I'm pregnant, we'll have finally reached our desired outcome. It will have been a long, emotionally draining journey, but we'll finally be at our destination. It would be a huge relief and weight off our shoulders. We will be so joyful and excited to start a new chapter in our life. I would love to make our little boy a big brother and look forward to my growing belly, baby kicks, and a new life ahead.

Or, I could start my period. Last month was the first time this miracle had happened on it's own in a very long. This would be a welcome change. If I can't get pregnant, it's comforting to know my body is starting to cooperate in small ways, even if I still don't ovulate on my own. Maybe with my new treatments, things are sorting out on their own and my body will being to function probably. What's not to be happy about that?!

Or, my period could not come on it's own and I'll see a negative result on the pregnancy test. This is nothing new. In fact, this is what I usually expect. It hurts and disappoints, but I'm coming to terms. If this is the outcome, we have one last chance with our current fertility treatment plan.

Want to hear the crazy thing? I'm thinking about stopping our treatments. Or at least taking a break.

Mentally, I'm okay. I've finally accepted that maybe we won't have another child. Or maybe we won't have a biological child. Or maybe now is not the right time. My husband and I firmly believe there is a plan for our family that is out of our hands. Sure, we think fertility treatments can be used to complete those plans if that's what is supposed to happen, but we also believe that if that's not the plan, it won't happen.

Here's the hard truth. We're out of money. It's costing us a fortune to do fertility treatments. Life throws you curve balls and we've taken our son to the emergency room for minor injuries over the past couple weeks. My husband's car needs repairs. Christmas is coming. Sure, I could go back to work to help fund things, but that is not what we want for our family. We like the way things are. And while one more treatment won't make us bankrupt, I feel at peace with my thinking.

I don't even know how to describe the way I feel right now. If you had asked me 6 weeks ago if I could ever feel at peace with stopping treatments or not getting pregnant I would have thought you were crazy. Heck, I felt crazy! So it's a nice peace.

I'm enjoying our family. The days spent at home with our son are very precious. We went camping last weekend and had a blast. There was no cell service, we were completely unplugged and we enjoyed each other's company. I am happy. I am blessed. And I am grateful.

So whatever our future holds, I'm ready. I'm ready for whatever next week brings. Maybe I'll be pregnant. Maybe we'll stop treatments. Or maybe we'll try one more time. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for sharing in my journey. It helps knowing you all care!

I'm Jenny, the mama behind the blog Cloth Diaper Revival.   I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad.  I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.

4 comments:

Hey Jenny,
Thanks for sharing your journey. I am in your boat, my son is a bit older but otherwise when I read your story I feel like I am reading my own. I also stay home with our son and the way I figure it is that I have my whole life for a career but if this is my only child I don't want to miss a single moment! I will be praying for you while you wait.
Heather

I'm praying for you and your family, Jenny!

I'm glad you're finding peace

I definitely feel like I am reading my own journey, too. PCOS stinks. :oP I am in my 12 month of active TTC, 17th month of not preventing. This is our 3rd round of Femara, but the first round at 7.5mg, so I hope I respond, because I was anovulatory on the lower two doses!! URG!!! I did Clomid 4 years ago to conceive my daughter and that took a while, too. I'm so sorry. I hope you are pregnant. You have a whole community of people cheering you on!!!!!