May 10, 2013

PCOS to Pregnancy: When infertility consumes you

I was hopeful this month. Really hopeful. I thought this was it. I thought it would happen. Last week I asked for your pregnancy announcement ideas. I was giddy thinking of cute ways to tell my husband I was pregnant. I ordered a "big brother" shirt off of Etsy and planned to take a picture of my son in it for Mother's Day gifts to our moms. Now I'm scrambling around trying to figure out what to get our moms for Mother's Day and instead of being giddy I'm constantly crying. My life has been consumed (again) by infertility.

I thought I could avoid it this time. I thought I was grateful enough for the one child we do have. I thought that I would hang on to the promise that it happened once before, it can happen again. I was wrong. I was holding onto hope until last Thursday. It was my "day 21" blood test where my dr. checks my LH levels to indicate ovulation. She called me that night with the news. My LH level was a 1.07. The last round of Clomid it was a 0.75. When we conceived our son, it was a 1.5. The number she is looking for is a 5 and above. We discussed how maybe that blood test isn't very accurate for me since I had conceived before with low numbers. I told her that I had 4 days of positive ovulation tests this month. She said to "wait and see".

I've been checking my Basal Body Temperature every morning. Despite the positive ovulation test, I never saw the classic dip and spike in temperature to indicate ovualtion. I wonder if I'm getting false positives. When we got pregnant before, my chart showed classic ovulation and then pregnancy temperatures. I started taking pregnancy tests every morning this week and nothing. I had hoped so much for two pink lines. I'm incredibly discouraged.

Now, we just wait...again. I get one more round of Clomid. At this rate, that pushes everything out by two months. That's how long a whole cycle takes me. Two more months of waiting. Meanwhile, there are pregnancy announcements everywhere. I don't know how much more I can take. If the next round of Clomid doesn't work, my dr. is referring me out to a specialist. This scares me. I worry about all the time it will take once we are there. More tests. More time. More impatience.

I'm trying to be hopeful. This was only our second round of Clomid. My son was conceived on the third round. I remember the second round being the hardest on me last time. That's when I became even more consumed with the struggles of infertility. The hopelessness.

Thank you for letting me pour out my heart in this blog post. It was very theraputic to share my deepest thoughts with you all. If you're pregnant and I don't talk to you about your pregnancy or I post a tweet about how I can't stand pregnant women, please forgive me. I don't mean it. I'm just struggling right now. I promise that once I get a baby growing in my belly, I will return to my normal self.

I'm Jenny, the mama behind the blog Cloth Diaper Revival.   I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad.  I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.

14 comments:

I must say I was hoping you were pregnant. I read into a few tweets last week and was waiting for an announcement. I would tell you to take the pressure off yourself, but I know that's easier said than done. Especially when you have the longing for another baby. Hormones are a crazy, uncontrollable thing. Good luck and I hope you still enjoy your Mother's Day. *Hugs*

I don't know what it's like to have PCOS, or what it's like to be on Clomid, but I do know how hard it is to just... wait. We're only a couple of months in to currently TTC baby #3 and I've peed on so many flipping sticks I think they might take me to the psych ward. It just that so many things have changed since we conceived DD almost 4 years ago (cervical biopsy, LEEP, IUD in and out, husband works with dangerous chemicals daily, etc) and I'm so scared that we're in for a long journey. I don't do waiting well. I'm already slightly obsessed. And there are babies everywhere.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but I have a lot of emotions and no where to share them. I hope everything works out for you in this next cycle and that you don't have to seek further assistance.

XO Steph

I totally understand what you're experiencing right now. I really thought my last cycle was it. I was in my 8th round of attempting natural conception with PCOS. We did a P4 during that cycle and learned that although I ovulated, I probably didn't release a good egg because my progesterone was only an 8. :( I was so sad. I also didn't ovulate until CD 21. We're in our 9th round now and I've added Femara to the mix. I'm getting a follicle ultrasound on Monday (CD 15) to check things out. I understand how infertility can consume you. It's very hard when so many people around you announce their pregnancies with the infamous, "We only tried once" or "we weren't even trying!" Nice. :( I'm sorry.

It took us 3 years to conceive our second child. They were long, agonizing months revolving around the calendar. We tried Clomid (devil drug, yikes) along with temping, OPKs, and checking biological signs. It was awful. We conceived once and lost it at 12 weeks. But we did finally conceive and had a healthy baby. My heart goes out to you for the tough road you're on.

*hugs* I'm sorry you have to go through this. :(

I hear you about hating the pregnancy announcements. We went through a year of trying, then found out the problem was male factor infertility, then found out there was testicular cancer, and finally got pregnant via IVF two years after we started TTC. I'll have to do it again for the next baby. I'll never get that surprised feeling, that "OMG, guess what! I missed a period!", I get the needles, ultrasounds, invasive procedures, progesterone suppositories, and blood tests. Yes, I still get pregnant, but it's so clinical, and I envy the couples who have no problems, for whom it seems so damn easy.

My heart goes out to you! I have PCOS too. I suffered through many years of not conceiving....it can make you feel like your losing your mind! I hope your time of waiting ends soon. While I do credit getting pregnant to God and me needing to wait for His time... I could not see it or hear it at the time. Hang in there! BTW I have been doing some reading about tampon use and infertility...maybe you already know this. Thank you for pouring your heart out to us! -Kenzie

I've been hoping for you. I'm sorry. It took us 8 months with our first and 5 with our 2nd, then our surprise was a surprise with a miscarriage, so... you know.. it's kind of hard to tell. I understand that the temptation is there to lash out, but please don't, because obviously, some of us have had our battles, too. I'd hate for you to be mad at me if I made an announcement one of these days... #TTC

I can completely identify with this post and I am so sorry. I also struggle with pcos. We tried for a year and a half before I was finally able to get pregnant. I did use clomid and after several rounds I am now 20 weeks pregnant. Don't give up!! You will get your positive soon! I also took some extra herbs that I believe helped out. I will be glad to pass the information along to you if you like. I warn you I am now pregnant with triplets. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I know exactly how you are feeling! I do want to give you some encouragement though. We went through several cycles of clomid with our obgyn and none of them worked. We were sent to a reproductive endocrinologist and that practice was AMAZING! Within the first visit, we knew exactly where we stood and they were SO agressive with treatment (knowing that we had tried for a long time and their goal was a safe pregnancy). They put me on glumetza to help with ovulation and it made me feel SO much better. I started ovulated every month so predictably. Also, the clomid worked so much better once the cycle was all worked out. We now have an 18 month old and we are 12 weeks pregnant with another. We weren't even trying for this pregnancy, so I am proof that once you get your cycle working correctly (which I believe glumetza is a miracle drug for PCOSers), it's SO much easier to get preggers! :) Good Luck!

I can totally relate!! It took me 8 long years of trying with PCOS.. After a few months of Metformin and Provera I finally had a semi normal period and started taking Clomid.. After 3 failed rounds, we took a break. The hormones are definitely horrific. I thought we were done for a while, since insurance doesn't cover infertility treatment. I was going to start a clinical trial, but then we took our 10 year old daughter out of school and started homeschooling so I put TTC on the backburner and decided to focus on what I had instead of what I wanted... My periods continued to be regular for the first time in my life without Provera or Clomid... and 4 months later I got my BFP!!! All by myself!! :) and now I have a beautiful 5 month old boy.. MY point is don't give up..even if this round doesn't result in a BFP..it isn't hopeless!! But know that you aren't alone! There are many that have been in you shoes and are there now.. I will be going for my 6 month ckup and will be starting clomid again next month.. fun fun!!

I'm sorry you're going through this...I know all too well the endless cycles of hopefulness then heartbreak month after month. I was diagnosed with PCOS too, then found out both my husband and I had other infertility factors so we were basically told IVF was our only reasonable option. After TTC for 2 years and saving up, we did our 1st IVF cycle this year and were lucky enough to get pregnant on the 1st try.

Are you seeing a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) or just an OB? My experience with an RE was that they were much more up to date than my OB, since they specialize in only infertility. Good luck with #2!

I'm sorry you're going through this. It took us a year to get pregnant with our second baby (I know that doesn't even come close to comparing with what some people go through!) and so as we start thinking about trying for a third, I can't help but worry about whether it will be hard to conceive again. I hope you are able to get pregnant very soon!