He never really could understand my fears and feelings. For him, having a child wasn't a must. He was okay with just the two of us. He didn't need a baby to feel complete. There was no deep yearning or broken heart every month that passed. When friends announced their pregnancies, it didn't hurt his feelings. If anything, it caused a dread for him. He dreaded the heartache that I would feel and the sobbing that would come.
He was always supportive, holding me while I cried and praying for me. He couldn't understand where I came from, but he never belittled my thoughts. My friends and family members would say things like...
"Don't worry, you'll have a baby." (My thoughts: You don't know that)
"You're young and healthy, it's impossible for you to be infertile." (Gee, really?)
"You've only been trying for a little while. I know people that have been trying for years." (That doesn't make my longing go away.)
I could go on and on with the hurtful comments I encountered. Of course, no one meant to hurt me. They meant well. These people loved me, but they couldn't possibly understand where I was coming from. They hadn't been there. There were no struggles to get pregnant. Babies came easily. Even typing this, I feel bitter. Bitter that fertility is so easy for others. I hated when someone would say, "Sorry, I can't help you. I just have to think about getting pregnant and it happens." Comments like that were the worst. They infuriated me. All I could think was, "Thanks for rubbing it in."
Of course, these are irrational thoughts, but they were real. My husband stood by me when I spoke the truth. I poured out my heart and soul to him, every irrational thought, and he loved me through it. He didn't understand it, but he didn't make me feel like my feelings weren't important. He helped me through the rough battle to get pregnant the first time and he's doing it again this time.
I have to admit, it seems easier this time. I've cried probably a tenth of the amount I did last time. The bitterness and hurt is still there and very real, but I'm working through it. I busy myself with time spent with my toddler, so thankful for the blessing of his life. I would love to see him become a big brother, but I know that I just need to be patient and thankful. It was proven to me once before that things don't happen in my time and so I try to remember that.
I was hopeful that last month would be the month, but it wasn't. During my two week wait, I was happy and excited. I thought, maybe, just maybe. Once again, I was disappointed, but ready to start over again this month. So here I am again, waiting for a new cycle to start, a new month of hope. Another month where I get to be thankful for my supportive husband who loves me through my hormonal craziness.
Cloth Diaper Revival. I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad. I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.