I've mentioned before that I've really struggled emotionally, both in my past infertility and now. I am thankful to have a strong marriage. Three years ago, when we were trying to conceive our son, I was a wreck. I cried all the time. It was a very dark and lonely place. I couldn't be happy for anyone that was pregnant. I'll never forget the day I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant. I happened to find out before they called to tell me and I avoided the phone call. I couldn't face it. I spent the whole night sobbing. There was no way I could pick up that phone and fake a "congratulations". It sounds selfish now that I type this out. Did I honestly expect everyone around me to stop having babies because I was struggling?
Why is it that when you want something so bad, it is immediately around every corner you turn? As we struggled to conceive, pregnancy announcements came left and right. I couldn't count the number of people I knew that were pregnant. I simply didn't have enough fingers. My friend's husbands started telling my husband so he could gently break the news to me. Ouch, that hurt. I didn't want to be this over emotional person that couldn't be happy for others. I did my best to fake it, but it was tough. At home, I was an open book with my husband. Most nights I would sob while he held me and prayed for us.
Deep down and admittedly, he didn't understand my feelings. For him, I was enough. We didn't need children to be happy. As long as we were together and had each other, what else did we need? It sounds so romantic now, but at the time, if was frustrating that I couldn't make him understand. Having children was a must for me. I was nurturing and maternal. I was born to be a mother. Why would God give me this desire, but not fulfill it? I couldn't understand.
Despite my husband's inability to understand my urgency to be a mom, he did his best to meet me where I was. He endured long nights of sobbing, venting frustration, and irrational comments. I joke that we got pregnant when we did because God knew that my husband couldn't take anymore of my crying.
I had hoped that this time would be different. Of course, I hoped that I wouldn't even struggle with infertility. Things would go smoothly, normal, like they do for most people. I'd love to be that woman who accidentally gets pregnant or the one who "wasn't trying." Boy, does that sound nice, but it appears that's not what's in the cards for me. And unfortunately, it means my dear, sweet, tolerant husband is facing more emotional break downs. It has been better this time around. I'm not quite as emotional, but it is still tough.
Once again, pregnancy announcements come almost daily. I've had to start protecting myself from them. I've taken long breaks from my Facebook page for sanity purposes. I just couldn't take reading someone else's good news or see them count down the days until their baby was here. It's irrational to think that they shouldn't talk about the happiness in their lives just because I don't have the same story. Once I became pregnant the first time, I tried to be aware of my own excitement around others. You never know when someone is struggling with infertility. But I have to admit, it's hard. It's exciting to be pregnant. There is nothing more joyous! A growing, little miracle that is going to change your life forever!
But there's a reason for this emotional insanity. For me, it's temporary. As soon as I heard that little heartbeat, everything was okay. I think it's a combination of a deep yearning and depression. You want something so bad and it is out of your control. At the same time, I'm confident it's a hormonal imbalance. With PCOS hormonal imbalances are common. Usually there's too much testosterone and not enough estrogen. This can be treated. For me, a round of progesterone tends to help short term. It leaves me wondering, does the pain go away because I got pregnant or is it because my body is producing all these extra hormones due the life inside. Either way I'll take it!
So here I am, round two. I'm riding the emotional roller coaster and dragging my family along with me. This time, not only does my husband have to bear it, but my son too. Hopefully the ride will be short and end just as happily as it did the first time.