I was hopeful this month. Really hopeful. I thought this was it. I thought it would happen. Last week I asked for your pregnancy announcement ideas. I was giddy thinking of cute ways to tell my husband I was pregnant. I ordered a "big brother" shirt off of Etsy and planned to take a picture of my son in it for Mother's Day gifts to our moms. Now I'm scrambling around trying to figure out what to get our moms for Mother's Day and instead of being giddy I'm constantly crying. My life has been consumed (again) by infertility.
I thought I could avoid it this time. I thought I was grateful enough for the one child we do have. I thought that I would hang on to the promise that it happened once before, it can happen again. I was wrong. I was holding onto hope until last Thursday. It was my "day 21" blood test where my dr. checks my LH levels to indicate ovulation. She called me that night with the news. My LH level was a 1.07. The last round of Clomid it was a 0.75. When we conceived our son, it was a 1.5. The number she is looking for is a 5 and above. We discussed how maybe that blood test isn't very accurate for me since I had conceived before with low numbers. I told her that I had 4 days of positive ovulation tests this month. She said to "wait and see".
I've been checking my Basal Body Temperature every morning. Despite the positive ovulation test, I never saw the classic dip and spike in temperature to indicate ovualtion. I wonder if I'm getting false positives. When we got pregnant before, my chart showed classic ovulation and then pregnancy temperatures. I started taking pregnancy tests every morning this week and nothing. I had hoped so much for two pink lines. I'm incredibly discouraged.
Now, we just wait...again. I get one more round of Clomid. At this rate, that pushes everything out by two months. That's how long a whole cycle takes me. Two more months of waiting. Meanwhile, there are pregnancy announcements everywhere. I don't know how much more I can take. If the next round of Clomid doesn't work, my dr. is referring me out to a specialist. This scares me. I worry about all the time it will take once we are there. More tests. More time. More impatience.
I'm trying to be hopeful. This was only our second round of Clomid. My son was conceived on the third round. I remember the second round being the hardest on me last time. That's when I became even more consumed with the struggles of infertility. The hopelessness.
Thank you for letting me pour out my heart in this blog post. It was very theraputic to share my deepest thoughts with you all. If you're pregnant and I don't talk to you about your pregnancy or I post a tweet about how I can't stand pregnant women, please forgive me. I don't mean it. I'm just struggling right now. I promise that once I get a baby growing in my belly, I will return to my normal self.
I'm Jenny, the mama behind the blog Cloth Diaper Revival. I'm a stay at home mom to Noah and a wife to Chas, the cloth diapering dad. I used to be a 3rd grade teacher until I was blessed with the birth of my first child, Noah. I'm currently trying to conceive my second child while struggling with infertility due to PCOS. This series covers my journey and my experiences along the way.
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